Craptastic

a blog entry by Joseph Massey

Just sit right back and I'll tell you a story. I pray that by telling you this it will cease to haunt my thoughts and dreams. My Saturday morning had started well. I got up early to hit some golf balls. Although I had made more divots than decent shots my enthusiasm for the day had not waned. My return home was met with equal enthusiasm by my beautiful wife, because I was bringing home breakfast, and my little baby girl (because I am the ambassador of happy daddy fun time). The food was consumed (Hana did not have the pleasure as her mother and I ate everything). I won't continue to bore you with the monotony of my Saturday routine. Suffice to say Hana's brunch consisted of a peach/banana concoction. While the food did have too high of a viscosity to be meaningfully compared to motor oil, its otherwise pungent aroma and relative bland "peach" flavor more than redeemed the good people at Gerber. I must say that Hana did not seem to be a fan of the stuff. A baby gagging is an interesting thing to see. I encouraged and manipulated Hana in to eating as much as possible and began doing something else. We typically leave her in her highchair to practice drinking from her sippy cup after a solid (or should I say soiled) feeding. In any event, Hana eventually became fussy and asked in as pleasant a manner as she could manage to be extricated from her chair. Her mother was more than happy to oblige.

At this point I must say that I was given instructions to keep this post PG. I am going to choose not to follow that directive and exercise my 1st amendment rights. If you are under the age of 13 please have an adult read the rest of this and paraphrase the remainder.

After picking up her precious daughter Courtney could not help but squeeze Hana in a loving hug. What Courtney did not count on was that nature had called. Nature had called and Hana answered. In fact Hana and nature had a long conversation. Mama didn't know it but Hana had been baking some brownies, pinching a loaf, blowin' some mud, taking the kids to the pool ( This metaphor is one of my favorites although as Hana is not potty trained yet it loosing some meaning. For this purposes of this story lets say Hana took the kids to Grandma's house), dropping a deuce (again Hana did not actually "drop" this particular deuce). To speak plainly Hana SHIT her pants. But is was no ordinary #2, Hana had decided that she wanted to crap the front of her diaper. Furthermore, as Hana has begun some culinary exploration her feces no longer resembles melted cottage cheese. Today was special. Hana had made a big kid poop. And that poop was perched in the front of her diaper waiting for an unsuspecting parent to wander by and give Hana a good squeeze. And Courtney of course did squeeze. The nugget took this opportunity to make its own little "Prison Break". Right on to Mama's shirt. I will let Courtney explain the rest of the story. Let me conclude my tale by just reminiscing on all of the times that Hana has pooped on Daddy and how none of those singularly or cumulatively compare to the turd that Hana threw at her Mother. Karma.