Adios, 2010! Hola, 2011!

A lot happened last year. Josh and Angela got married, Nana turned 85, we said goodbye to Rowdy, Wayne got his own apartment, just to name a few. A lot did change, yet things are still mostly the same. I'm looking forward to an exciting year and cannot wait to see what the future holds.

In 2011 I will celebrate my 30th birthday. This is haunting me. Although it will not happen until May, I'm already nervous about it. 29 was a difficult one because I knew what would come next. I'm bracing myself and I plan to overcome this anxiety. I've never really understood this whole "turning 30 fear." That is until now. Age is only a number, right? Well, yes and no. I've thought a lot about what is causing the anxiety and I've narrowed it down to two things:

#1: Children. I always thought I'd have at least two children by the time I turned 30. When I found out I was pregnant in September it couldn't have been more perfect. I would have given birth just after I turned 30. Actually, if I was as far along as I personally knew I was (if it would have ended up a healthy pregnancy), I would have had the baby right around my birthday. My opinion is that the baby just wasn't growing and developing like it should have and that led to my due date being almost an entire month later than what I had originally calculated. Anyhow, as I mentioned above, "age is only a number," except when you're a woman hoping to conceive.

I want several children, as in four. I think. I always say "ask me after the next one." Why do I say that? Because although I love the idea of a large family, I might decide that two kids is more than I can handle, I don't know. It might happen after two, three or four. I think my limit is four, but I'm not sure. Maybe I'll be the next Michelle Duggar. Joking. I'm only joking, people. I assure you I will not have 19, but maybe three of four.

One very difficult thing I did learn this year is that it's really not up to me and no matter how much I try to control my life, in the end, it's just not up to me. Whew! That's a big old jagged pill for this every-second-of-my-life-planned control freak. But I can't help feeling behind since the miscarriage. I know, I know, that's just awful, I shouldn't feel that way at all. It's all God's plan. Let go and let God. But I cannot help the way I feel. My heart yearns for another baby. No, I don't think I'm trying to "fill a void," I just think I'm ready to have another baby! LOL! I wanted one, I got pregnant and was overcome with joy and then my heart was broken. I sulked, I grieved and now I'm ready to fill my heart with that pregnant joy again! I loved every second of being pregnant with Hana and I've longed to feel that way ever since I gave birth to her.

I want to fill my house with children, and I guess as 30 approaches, that biological clock everyone talks about is ticking. I honestly never thought I would really deal with that annoying little clock. I want Hana to have brothers and sisters and all the love and life lessons that are associated with that. Originally, I really wanted Hana to have a sibling closer to her in age, but there were other obstacles in our life during that period of time. There was a long period of time where I knew I wanted to be ready to have another baby, but I just wasn't. We had a lot on our plate and although I wanted it, it just was not the right time. So for good reasons beyond my control, I held off. I understand that 30 is a perfectly ripe age to bear children, but as I (hopefully) have more, I will grow older.

#2: My weight and body image. I need to get my weight under control and have a better body image. I need to exude confidence and pride for my daughter and whatever other children I might be blessed with. My New Year's resolution? Be healthier (along with the rest of America. LOL!). I think it was the same thing last year. Actually, I did well, lost some weight, changed some eating habits (I used to be a major over-carber), but in the end I did a lot of backsliding. Although I held on to the fewer-carbs-mindset, I'm a comfort eater, unfortunately, and when I went through the miscarriage I did a lot of comfort eating. Horrible? Yep. But there's no changing it. It is what it is.

Take into account that my miscarriage was in mid-November and my hormones have been trying to regulate themselves ever since (I was also taking extra hormones while pregnant), I had gained 8 pounds as it was the very end of my first trimester and I didn't "let go" of that weight when the pregnancy ended ( I tend to hold onto pounds for dear life...LOL!), then Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year. Bleh! The jeans are not fitting right anymore! It's no one's fault but my own, but my goal this year is to let go of comfort eating and just be healthier overall. I want to be mentally and physically healthier.

So there you go. As always, I've probably shared way too much. But that's me and it is, after all, my blog. ;-) Now I'm off to get myself and Hana Grace bundled up so she can ride her scooter to the park and play a little before Daddy gets home from taking Turkey to the movies. Then it's time to un-adorn our house of Christmas decor.

Happy 2011! May it be a happy, healthy, blessed year!