My Harsh Reality

Well, I've put it off long enough. It's time I open up a bit about our current situation. Although some of you already know, some of you haven't a clue, and even still with every happy blog entry I feel as though I'm lying - to myself. I keep thinking that if I don't mention it and pretend everything is normal, it will be normal. But what is normal? This blog is my therapy. I love to write. Writing helps me clear my head and collect my thoughts. It enables me to view my life from the outside looking in. I can put things in perspective. I need to put things in perspective right now. Where do I begin?

My beloved pup isn't doing so well. She hasn't been for a while, I've just been lying to myself. When I decided to go with a Boxer for a pet back in 1999, I did a lot of research. Through that research I learned everything I could ever need to know about the breed, the good and the bad. They are forever puppies, they are great with children, they are loyal like no other. Pagan is a very pure bred, AKC-certified girl. She is all the wonderful things a Boxer is supposed to be and more. Through my research I also learned all the health risks associated with Boxers (the bad). Why is it human nature to approach situations with a "that won't happen to me" attitude? That is exactly how I entered the wonderful world of Boxer owning. It has been an exhilarating yet emotional road for us. If I had a checklist of all the health risks associated with Boxers, I bet I could place a check next to almost all of them. I did not, however, think that it would come to this. With that said, I still wouldn't change a thing (except I would fix her legs if I could). Without all that we've been through, Pagan wouldn't be Pagan. And I love her for the wonderful pup that she is!

What have we been through? Let's see, we've had a (benign) tumor removed, she's ran through my parents' sliding glass door, she has a dermatologist and for several years has been to the vet at least once a month (on average). We've had her checked for cancer, she's had hives, she takes thyroid medicine and is given an allergy shot every other week. Her skin has almost always been an issue and we just now have it under control. So why this? Why, after all these years, and everything we've been through, has it come down to this? Boxers (as well as other large breeds) are known for hip dysplasia. You can replace a hip. You cannot fix neurological issues. Not definitely anyway. We were given the option to do experimental treatment for her. My dog is not an experiment. She would be 10 on her next birthday, November 8. Would be. If she were a younger pup, I might have gone along with the experiment, after checking into it thoroughly of course. She is not a young pup. The average life of a Boxer is 10 years. Not mine. Yes, mine.

My precious girl has rapidly lost the use of her back legs. What about the DogKart, you ask? Her front legs are going now as well. It's so very difficult for her to do anything. It's not fair. I took her to the vet a week ago yesterday because her back feet are swollen. Very swollen. They are also covered with oozing sores. She has a severe infection. Why? We don't know. There are a number of possibilities: lack of use/circulation, bone cancer, inability to completely relieve herself due to loss of bowel/bladder control. Yes, she has had a few accidents. I opted not to have even more tests run on her. I cannot do it to her anymore. Just let her be at peace.

She cannot walk. She drags herself around. We carry her from the living room to our room at night. We have to use a towel as a sling to help her walk outside and we have to put her on the grass. She lays on her side to poop and sits directly on the ground when she pees (possible cause for infection). If there's one thing I did not learn from all of my research of the Boxer breed it's that they do not show pain. She never has. She ran through my parents back door as a puppy and shattered the glass. She bled profusely and had to have several stitches in several places and never showed anyone she was in pain. This whole time we have been dealing with her legs I honestly thought they were just going numb. I truly did not think she was suffering from pain. At the last vet visit she was given pain killers and suddenly she is trying to move around more than she has in a while. What does that tell me? She has been in pain. She is suffering.

I have watched my once 87 pound best friend dwindle down to 59 pounds since Thanksgiving. Is it a healthy weight? Maybe. She was always "overweight", we just recently found a good enough vet who knew what tests to run and discovered she has a thyroid condition. She lost weight, and is still losing weight. Is it only because of the good meds? We don't know. Will she continue to lose weight? We don't' know. Could we run more tests. Always. Are we going to? No.

She was also given very strong antibiotics (again) at the last vet visit, which was a week ago yesterday. They were supposed to fight the infection. Are her feet any better? No. They're worse. Much worse. Is she still running a fever? Probably.

I never prepared myself for this. I have always tried to prepare myself for finding her deceased. I never thought I would have to make this decision. How does one even begin to make this kind of a decision? I pray a lot. Something bigger has taken over. Every day is easier yet harder. Does that even make sense? The appointment is set for Saturday. I feel numb. How do I say goodbye to my best friend? How do I watch her go to sleep, never to wake up again?

I have asked myself time and time again "What gives me the right to make this decision?" I now know I do have the right and privilege to end her suffering. The vet counseled me and put it into words that (kind of) made me feel better. We are blessed to have the privilege to do this for our pets. She even told me that she sometimes feels this is the best gift she can give a pet and their owner. The gift of ending suffering. We can't do this for fellow humans. I should be happy I can give her this gift. Why Pagan? Why us? Why now? These are all questions I have no answer to and I will never have an answer. I just have to have faith and continue to ask God for the strength, wisdom and courage to make the right decision. Life is not easy. This, my friends, is my harsh reality.

I lie awake in bed most of the night, every night praying and trying to rationalize the situation. I weigh the pros and cons. I try to put myself in her shoes (or paws). I feel guilty for even thinking of doing this. I feel guilty for being selfish enough to allow her to continue suffering. I cannot win. I try to imagine the process and being there to witness it. I do not want to be there, I do not want to witness it. I have to be there for her. She has never liked going to the vet. Why does that have to be the last place I take her? Why? Why? Why? She saw me break down at the last vet visit. She knows. Since then, she watches my every move with a peaceful look on her face. Is she trying to tell me it's okay? Is she patiently asking me to help her? She has never complained once. She only wants to please me. She lives to please me. And I want to please her!

She has been my best friend for 9 1/2 years. Joe had to befriend her before I would even think about getting serious with him and she did not make it easy! The first time he came to our apartment she cornered him and would not let him move a muscle. My protector. Now I have to protect her. She helped me through difficult parts of my life, watched me grow into a woman, helped me find a husband and selflessly took the backseat upon Hana's birth. She has always been so patient with Hana Grace. I've always been sure to let them keep their distance, but Hana's fast and she loves her puppy! Time and time again I find Hana cuddled up next to Pagan on her pillow. Although I know Pagan isn't crazy about the situation, being old and grumpy (and now I know she was in pain), she tolerates it and never complains.

She is on major pain killers now, two different ones. No more antibiotics, they weren't helping anyway. This makes it harder and easier for me all at the same time. Why? Since she's on the pain killers she feels no pain. She wants to play. She wants to go outside and try to play with the ball. It's sad to watch her drag herself around trying to play. Then she gets so out of breath from working so hard. But it also makes me happy. She's happy when she's playing - no matter what. Forever a puppy. I begin to think, "Look at her. She's happy. How can I end her life when she's so happy?" She's on very strong pain killers. Can she live on pain killers? I suppose she could. Is that a happy life for her? Not at all. And they can cause liver/kidney damage.

The vet also talked to me about quality of life. She told me to think about three things Pagan loves to do. Can she still do them? Here we go: Play with rocks? Not really. Play with the ball? Not really. Jump for a stick? No. Greet me (or anyone) at the door? No. Walk through the house? No. Go to the bathroom without assistance? No. Run away from Mr. Guthrie? No. Walk without assistance? No. Run through the back yard? No. Play with Hana Grace? No. And all of these things she hasn't been able to do for quite some time now.

Saturday. My life is going to change drastically. We are having her cremated alone and the ashes are to be returned to us in a wooden box. A wooden box. I went through all the options: an urn, a burial, not having the ashes returned, scattering the ashes. None of those are for me. What do I love? Flowers. What's more calming and reassuring than anything? Beauty and life. I am going to mix her ashes with soil and plant flowers. A flowering bush. A beautiful, fragrant gardenia bush. She will give life to a beautiful flowering plant. She will continue to fill me with happiness when she's gone. How do I say goodbye? How do I know this is the right decision?

My harsh reality.