Here's Your Sign

Lately I find myself talking to God a lot. Mostly I am just asking for reassurance in my decision. I need to know I'm doing the right thing. Half asleep the other night I asked God if I could just have some sort of a sign. A bag sitting in the corner of my room started to rustle from the fan blowing it. Was that my sign? Here it was about 3 in the morning or something and that bag hadn't made a noise until then. Then I heard it again. I took it as my sign and fell back asleep. (I did not hear the bag anymore) I awoke the next morning wondering if it was all just a dream.

I have continued talking to God and asking for help and reassurance. I have the need to feel completely at peace with my decision. I go in and out of this strange calmness and I do believe that something bigger has taken control, but then my human nature takes over and I begin to doubt and question everything all over again. I don't want to give up on Pagan. I want to know that I have fought for her 'til the end and I need to know whether or not this is supposed to be the end!

Joe and I both know that neither one of us wants to live hooked up to a machine. That's not living. If Pagan were dependant on a machine, my decision would be somewhat easier. (I still can't imagine making that decision, but I would have to) But she's not living on a machine. Her poor little body is just giving out all around her while her little heart is beating away and her lungs continue to fuel her with oxygen. A few very wise people (you know who you are) have told me that if I'm thinking like that, then I need to take into consideration all that we have done for the pup. Sure she's not hooked up to a machine, but she has been and still is taking medicine to keep her healthy and prolong her life. If she were out in the wild, or with another owner who might not care in the same way, she more than likely would have passed a long time ago. Good point. Yet I'm still struggling.

Hana and I had to run to the grocery store yesterday morning, and as we stood in line at the checkout, I saw this:

I took the pic with my phone, so it's not the greatest, but can you see what it is? It's movies that were sitting on the shelf there at the checkout counter. In order, from left to right it's Good Boy, which is a movie that came out in 2003 with a Boxer that looks just like Pagan. "Can I have a cookie? Ooh! Ooh! Can I have two cookies?" That was the big quote the boxer said in the movie. It's a cute movie, sad at the end, and yes, I own it thanks to my Mom! The movie in the middle is none other than All Dogs Go To Heaven and next to it is All Dogs Go To Heaven 2. Coincidence? It hit me hard, I took a pic and then forgot about it in the hustle bustle of my hectic day. This morning I was sitting and staring at my sweet pooch, once again asking for help from above when all of a sudden the image of those three movies flashed before me. It's as if God was saying, "Hey! Pay attention! Here's your sign!"

I am paying attention, and although I know I am still in denial, I also know that the appointment is at 8:20 in the morning. Tomorrow morning.

This is what her poor little feet look like this morning. They are steadily getting worse and worse. Now remember, she's on two different pain killers so she's not really in any pain. Also remember that I opted not to run more tests on her to figure out what this is, but antibiotics did not help at all and there's definitely an infection.

I am doing my best to keep them clean. The vet asked if the sores were from her dragging her feet. At first I thought so, but she doesn't drag her feet that much. We help her walk or just carry her everywhere. The only time she's on her own is when she's trying to potty. I have tried time and time again to help her potty, but that totally freaks her out, so I just let her be and she figures it out on her own. But, no, I don't think this is caused from dragging her feet, but it's definitely not helping. What is it caused from? I don't know, and I will never know and I'm trying to be at peace with that.

It's as though that end of her body has just given up. Maybe her immunity is completely shot at this point. I don't know.

I know most of you haven't a clue how big her feet should be compared to my hand, but they're definitely not supposed to look like this. And notice how swollen her legs are now getting.

My sweet, sweet girl. I hope she knows how hard I've tried all these years!